You

Isn’t it hard, all of it but worth it at the same time

It’s quite interesting how the year starts in one time zone and ends in another. When you were in the first time zone you wanted to go back to the second – which was always the first, because you missed everything about it only to go back to it and realise you miss the one you were just in.

It’s annoying to be asked out by guys you aren’t romantically interested only to have the one you like not like you back. Even worse, not to be able to find exactly what you are looking for – and yes you know what you want!  You can’t be with one because he is too much for you, your beliefs are clashing but you can’t be with the other because he values your beliefs and doesn’t want to hurt you – which makes you like him even more.

Can you go back to the past and change the choices you made then because they are who you are now? Or do you boldly move forward and learn from them – you seem to never learn. You always date the same kind of guys, you let them in too quick and they hurt you, you make the same type of friends, same kind of drama – why won’t you change?

To have to feel beautiful everyday yet you don’t love what you look like – but you love what you are and would not want to be anything else. You feel small at some people  comments but stand unaffected by others – which is it, do you care about people’s opinions or not?

Everything at work is not that easy, new journey, new role, new tasks – some of which you have no clue about but you are learning as you go. That’s good, learning is part of life but then are you sure you aren’t a liability?  You hope everyday they didn’t make a mistake by hiring you over the next person because of your one missing skill set.

You are back to being a drone, sometimes your soul feels empty – wake up, work, eat, t.v , sleep and repeat. You don’t read as much anymore and are seriously struggling with your writing. What can you write about anyway? The bad in your life sometimes feel like a punishment for all the naughty things you have ever done and the good – you are grateful for and pray it lasts longer.

Sometimes you don’t feel good enough. You keep messing up – everyday! You think you are above somethings yet the things you think you deserve you have haven’t worked to deserve. Your heart feels heavy and all you want to be is accepted, respected, loved and seen for who you really are. But mostly, you want to learn to love yourself and accept God’s love for you.

How about your spiritual life, are you one with Christ. You say you are a believer and most of the things you do or don’t do are because of your faith. But is it real or an excuse? You pray but feel like you are talking to walls, maybe you should change your style or maybe remain confident in grace. What to do?

Am proud of you though, you seem to know who you are – or have had luck figuring that out. You know what you like and don’t like, you have started to figure out where you want to go, your career is thriving, look at you! You become confident when you talk about your work, the trips and exciting new project you are managing.

You would give anything to work abroad again, that way you escape all your mistakes and have a good reason for not letting people into your life – you are leaving soon anyway. But you want to be close to people, it’s just that you need them to find you. Careful though, can’t have them know everything about you.

You and I are quite similar. Maybe we should both do something about us before we lose our minds.

Hugs and Hearts,

Esteri

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